when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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