Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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