If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
