I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
