the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
