my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
