News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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