If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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