Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I can text with my tongue
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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