Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Do you have feelings for this penis?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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