just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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