I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize