Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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