it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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