he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
