On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
