dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
