He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
