i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Randomize
