ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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