No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
