i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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