This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
