The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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