Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize
