Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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