he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
