he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
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