i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
