Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
