First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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