I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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