What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
