she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize