I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
