good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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