I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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