The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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