I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
