I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
