no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize