When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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