Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
