if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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