new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
