i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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