Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Randomize
