there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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