Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
