I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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