yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You ruined the universe
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
