I like to think it a success when the cops are called
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
