Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
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