evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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