dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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