i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
