I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
