Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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